Talking to Your Child About Their Cancer Diagnosis
Learning that your child has cancer is an incredibly scary and difficult time for a parent or caregiver and the entire family. While you may want to protect your child from knowing they have a serious illness and the treatments ahead, experts agree that this typically isn’t the best approach. Although it may seem counterintuitive, kids can sense when something is wrong and are often more anxious about the things they don’t know or understand. Having frequent, honest and reassuring conversations will help build trust and address your child’s fears. Here are some tips to guide you through these difficult discussions:
Be Direct
How much information you provide will depend on your child’s age and development. Use simple language, reassure your child that cancer isn’t contagious and that they didn’t do anything to cause it. Name the cancer directly, where it is in the body and the treatment that’s required. For example, ‘Blood cells are made inside your bones in the bone marrow—or the blood factory. Sometimes the blood factory makes unhealthy cells for no reason, so there’s less room for the healthy ones. This is called leukemia or blood cancer. Doctors are going to give you medicine to get rid of the all the unhealthy cells so you can feel better.”
Encourage Questions
Some children will have lots of questions right away and others will need time to absorb this information. Give your child space but let them know that they can ask you anything—even things that are hard to talk about. Let their questions guide the amount of information you provide. This will help you figure out what your child already knows, what they are most worried about and allow them to process information at their own pace. If they ask about losing their hair, tell them more about chemotherapy and some of the other side effects they may experience. If you don’t know the answer to a question, tell your child that you’ll look for the answer and share what you find.
Share Your Feelings
Within reason, talking openly about how you are feeling can help a child realize that they aren’t alone with their emotions. Say things like, “I’m sad that you’re sick and have to stay in the hospital,” or “I’m feeling angry that you’re missing your field trip, but excited to spend the day with you.” Modeling that it’s okay to talk about difficult feelings will encourage your child to share their own fears and concerns. Just make sure that you balance these emotions with hope and optimism to reassure your child and demonstrate that you can feel many emotions all at once.
Use Other Resources
Cancer can be a very difficult concept for children to understand. Books, movies, toys and art can present information in a more relatable way and help children process their complex emotions. For younger children, a medical kit and a stuffed toy or baby doll can be used to explain an upcoming procedure or encourage your child to act out the things they are worried about. Books and movies with people or characters facing a similar situation can help your child feel less alone and prompt important questions. Ratings and guidance on the age-appropriateness of most films and books can be found online. Drawing or painting together is also a great way to learn more about what your child imagines is happening inside their body and how they feel about their illness or treatments.
Involve Professionals
All parents and children can benefit from additional support to help you and your child understand the disease and treatment options. Ask your healthcare team to connect you to a child life specialist, psychologist or social worker who specializes in working with children facing serious illnesses. These professionals can suggest strategies based on your child’s age and understanding, answer difficult questions and provide emotional support for your family.
Revisit Regularly
See the first conversation as a starting point, or the first step in giving your child small pieces of information and reassurance. If they turn away, change the topic or go back to playing, your child may need a break to absorb the news they have just been given. You can talk again another day. As your child goes through treatment and begins to process their experience, questions will continue to come up. Check-in with your child regularly to see how they are feeling and if they have any new concerns. This will make sure they feel supported and informed throughout their cancer journey.
By using some of these approaches, you can help your child develop a clearer understanding of their diagnosis and provide them with the emotional support they need. This is a very difficult time for you and your family, so make sure you also take care of yourself and prioritize your own needs to better support your child. If you or your child are struggling to come to terms with this diagnosis, reach out to your health team for a referral to a psychologist or counsellor.
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